Last night and again this morning, I sat down to write about trauma. I wanted to talk about my journey and how after 17 years away from the abuse, I'm still evolving and how my relationship to its effects is ever changing.
But nothing came out.
Literally, I sat and looked at this screen. Closed the laptop in disgust and ran the dishwasher. Then I went upstairs to my computer and tried again. Nothing came. So I went to my room and watched Arrested Development. Picked up my phone to dictate some notes for today and guess what happened...?
n o t h i n g
So, I gave up. I set it aside.
When the words don't come, they're just not ready yet.
I refuse to force them.
This morning, I got up and handled my shit. Then I decided to pull a foul-mouthed unicorn card (Affirmies) and, wouldn't you know, the thoughts started becoming clearer and the sentences began forming in my mind. How well it translates to this medium is dependent on my ability to wrangle them into coherent messages and how much coffee I have had. Stay tuned...
First, let's talk about the happy accident of my new sparkly sandals being visible in this message about being radiant as fuck. I like it.
Moving on...
My light is limitless, and I never truly forgot that, but when there is so much shade being cast over your light, it dims. I was trapped behind that shade for almost 17 years...my light never went out but it stopped being a beacon for others, and then for myself.
When you're struggling to survive from day to day beneath the crushing weight of gaslighting, manipulation, and outright physical abuse, you stop prioritizing things that uplift you. If the choice is fulfillment or survival, you lean into survival. And part of that survival is making yourself small and monochromatic without any sparkle. Your entire existence narrows to a pinpoint of simply making it to the next day. When the person who has sworn an oath to be your partner, to love and protect you, is the one causing the pain, it feels hopeless...because who else is going to save you?
In my experience, no one.
My life was pared down to a bare bones existence with no space for shining, sparkling, or being radiant. I had no reason to draw attention to myself, at first to protect myself, and then out of shame...I didn't want anyone else to see what I had become.
When I finally made it out, I was shell-shocked. I was incredibly fortunate to have friends and family that I already had established relationships with, because connecting with new people was ππ²π²π«π± as hell.
But the shade surrounding me was beginning to fade.
My light was still shining.
And the longer I was out of the shade, the brighter my light became. I've since found forever love, and together we've created a beautiful and fulfilling life and family.
But I'm still shedding layers of shade I didn't know remained. And every time another one falls away, I'm amazed at how much better I feel...even 17 years down the road.
OMG, I just caught that when I was typing it.
17
Seventeen
SEVENTEEN
ππΌππΌβππΌπΌβ
πππππππππ
I just realized that I met him when I was 17, spent 17 years with him, and now I have been out for 17 years! Maybe it makes sense that I have finally unshrouded myself and only now feel like I am living the life that was meant for me.
this is an accurate representation, yes
I no longer worry that I'm too much for some people.
I wear the sparkly shoes and the brightly colored dresses and the glittery lipstick because I can. I always could, but now I'm not scared to draw attention to myself. I delight in drawing attention to myself. Maybe my light inspires and encourages others, maybe it scares some folks off.
Either way: ππππΏ
Because I'm no longer interested in holding onto people that aren't healthy for me.
Energy attracts like -- and I have badass energy running through me.
I want to shine so brightly that those who wronged me, whether intentional or through indifference, cannot look at me without their eyes burning.
I want to hold tightly to my children, partner, and framily.
I want to infuse them with light.
I want to be a beacon to everyone else whose light is being dimmed.
I am radiant as fuck and I'm free to show it.
I am a fucking diamond and know my worth.
I want to be the last thing any hater ever gets to see.
Because I always bring my own sunshine.
